Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Kicked down to get back up

I put myself out there, got my ass handed to me, asked for help, and got my ass handed to me again. I got what I asked for.

So why does it hurt so bad?

I know I've been doing things not 100% right, but after this whole ordeal, all I feel is 100% wrong. After being on diets and exercise plans since I was 7 or 8, often knowing more than the professionals "counseling" me about my weight and habits, this is nothing new to me. These little tips and tricks have been ingrained in my head for years. I eat certain things because they taste good, not because I have a negative thought and rush to the cupboard to quell it with food. When I see girls eat a handful of spinach topped with a dollop of hummus for lunch, I can't help but feel disgusted - how is that not disordered eating? Alongside other things, fine, but I see plenty of red flags in the blogosphere that point to "disordered and incomplete" and not "healthy, well-balanced." But this isn't about anyone but myself.

I know I've gotten out of the habit of eating healthily. The looming holiday season isn't helping - my personal life sucks in every aspect and I'm clinging onto things that make me happy - watching Christmas specials and baking have been two highlights of my spare time lately, especially due to certain really shitty circumstances that are kept private from the blog. And yeah, when I bake things for someone's birthday or an event, I'll save some for myself and my mom. However, I'm not eating a pint of ice cream and a baker's dozen of cookies a day like I was when I was deep in the throes of my depression my last year of grad school.

All this rambling has a point, I think. I know what I'm doing right. I know what I'm doing wrong. I wanted some sample guidelines on how people deal with "treats" so I'd know what's socially acceptable. I didn't count on all this, and quite frankly, I'm not emotionally strong enough to handle so much criticism just yet. However, how else can you tell someone so pansy-assed that what they're doing is wrong, especially when they asked you to? There's no easy way to say "you're doing it wrong," especially when there are so few of us who are doing everything "right." I know everyone is trying to help, so I just need to toughen the fuck up and move on with it.

I'm sorry I've been bitter and emo and "oh woe is me." I got myself into these messes, I asked for this in putting myself out there in such a public forum, so I have to pull my shit together and deal with it head-on.

I have a BS in public health with emphases in sociology and behavior change. My MA is in professional health communication. I'm not "dumb," especially when it comes to health, but I have to figure out what works for me, and in a way that allows and welcomes constructive criticism without pitching a hissyfit when I get it.

To whomever has read this far, thanks for following, or attempting to follow, my crazy stream of consciousness. I thought about suspending the blog until I had a better handle on eating, but I'm glad I have it for such moments like this.

I'm not a quitter, I'm not a loser, and I'm not an idiot. Every punch in the gut like this will only make me fight harder. It might make me angry and bitter for a day or two, but now a driving force in my motivation (besides doing it for myself, of course) is, "I'll show them."

So, thanks. :)

2 comments:

  1. I feel like the majority of us with weight issues know so much about health and nutrition that in the end we just have to do it.

    you'll figure what works for you when your ready!

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  2. Weight loss is a hugely personal journey, and everyone has an opinion. Those opinions can work for that person, but not for someone else. We are all different! Knowing ourselves and our eating patterns is the first step. You can do this. I appreciate your blog because I'm going through the same thing and trying to figure this all out. It sucks when you're being criticized, but it's important that we reach out to each other and that we support each other.
    You should be so proud of the loss you've already had, and for your new attitude about food (like you said, you're not emotionally eating anymore -- me neither, and I can't figure out when that switch turned off but I'm glad it did!).

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