Monday, November 2, 2009

Letter to myself

Dear Katherine,

You know why I'm writing. You're not being good to yourself. You're not doing enough proactive things to better yourself. Do BIG IMPORTANT things first, then piddly little lesser important things next.

Focus on finding a job (after this birthday party thing is over, of course - that looming deadline is top priority right now). You're getting unhealthier by the second in your current environment. Mentally and physically, you're getting weaker in that house. You can fix this.

You're wasting time. You're wasting your life. Every day that goes by seems like a drop in the bucket, but those drops have added up to a year of being worthless. You haven't lost weight, you haven't found a job, you haven't met new people. You're wasting time that you'll never get back.

You have very few friends left who aren't in serious relationships or engaged or married. You'll probably be the last of your friends to get married, just like you were always afraid of. Not being mean, it's just the sad truth. You always feared it, you always pushed people away and played the "woe is me" game. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You backed yourself into this corner, now you have to fight your way out

You're not ugly. You just need confidence to meet new people (and an income wouldn't hurt). Fat people are worthy of being loved, even if you think they aren't. Someone could love you if you gave yourself a chance. You cried writing/reading that because it struck a major chord.

Fat people are worthy of love.
No matter how many times you write it or read it or hear it or say it, you still don't believe it. Please try. Work on loving yourself and helping yourself become worthy again.

Love,

Me

4 comments:

Carol T November 2, 2009 at 12:50 AM  

((HUGS)) It's all about confidence -- I have never had trouble with being fat and being with men. I know you're doing this, but consider yourself worthy of love.
You have a long list of stuff here -- that's a lot to focus on. I hope you find a job best suited to all your talents. I hope you find love, or find something that works for you (because, trust me, it 'ain't all it's cracked up to be').
((hugs again))

Lofton November 2, 2009 at 5:01 AM  

I wanted to :like: this entry but this is not facebook :(. I think this is one of the bravest things I've ever read. Taking responsibility for doing what we ALL do to ourselves, which is stand in our own way. Assuming defeat before it actually occurs is one of the most damaging things because it not only ASSURES that we will never succeed because we never try, but it makes us mentally dislike our own selves. And if we don't even believe in own selves it makes it so hard for other to, even those who love us. I say we because I'm soooo guilty of this and thank YOU for having the courage to talk about it where I usually avoid it. This is my confession to myself... that I need to stop putting myself down and making Chris pick up the pieces. I get mad at him when he doesn't believe in me anymore but how can I blame him when I have done NOTHING for the past year and a half to get myself OUT of all of the things I complain about. My weight, my career, and the general disorganization of my entire life... I'm psyched that I'm finally about to take steps toward working on all of this, even though it means that I have to take a huge blow to my pride and move back to South Carolina. I am so glad that you're my friend Kat and that we're going to work on alot of this together. I love you and am so proud of you.

colorhungry November 2, 2009 at 9:00 AM  

This was a beautiful and honest post, and it made me cry to read it. I could have written this letter myself and I applaud you for having the sheer guts to put it out there. Think of this as the first step. I am in awe of you right now. And you are right- you HAVE to have faith in yourself. You have to love YOURSELF first. I don't even know you, but I am so very proud of you. I'll be reading your blog and cheering for you every step of the way.

Sending love from Boston,
Jenny (colorhungry)

100in12 November 2, 2009 at 9:41 AM  

I could have written that myself. Definitely struck a chord with me too. Job and love. Two pretty big life issues - and like everyone said, you've gotten somewhere just by laying it all out there!

PS I love your blog. :-)

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