You know why I'm writing. You're not being good to yourself. You're not doing enough proactive things to better yourself. Do BIG IMPORTANT things first, then piddly little lesser important things next.
Focus on finding a job (after this birthday party thing is over, of course - that looming deadline is top priority right now). You're getting unhealthier by the second in your current environment. Mentally and physically, you're getting weaker in that house. You can fix this.
You're wasting time. You're wasting your life. Every day that goes by seems like a drop in the bucket, but those drops have added up to a year of being worthless. You haven't lost weight, you haven't found a job, you haven't met new people. You're wasting time that you'll never get back.
You have very few friends left who aren't in serious relationships or engaged or married. You'll probably be the last of your friends to get married, just like you were always afraid of. Not being mean, it's just the sad truth. You always feared it, you always pushed people away and played the "woe is me" game. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You backed yourself into this corner, now you have to fight your way out
You're not ugly. You just need confidence to meet new people (and an income wouldn't hurt). Fat people are worthy of being loved, even if you think they aren't. Someone could love you if you gave yourself a chance. You cried writing/reading that because it struck a major chord.
Fat people are worthy of love.
No matter how many times you write it or read it or hear it or say it, you still don't believe it. Please try. Work on loving yourself and helping yourself become worthy again.
Monday, November 2, 2009