Thursday, February 18, 2010

Getting the hell off my laurels

I checked in at the doctor today and broke down in tears in front of her for the first time since I started going in November.

I lost 1 lb over the past two weeks. One measly, stupid pound.

Granted, I was wearing (heavy) jeans this time, and on my scale at home, I’ve lost 3lbs during that same timeframe, but enough excuses. I've been resting on my laurels lately, and that really sucks, especially considering my most recent goal. I’ve lost 40lbs on this plan so far, and I’ve been getting bored. I’m motivated by success, but I’ve started taking it for granted. I’ve done OK at my sugar detox, but I’ve still slipped up lately, and thus my addiction isn’t getting any better. I’ve been going to the gym about 3 times per week and taking fitness classes that I used to be too scared to take, but I’ve been drinking more wine lately, adding a serving of pasta here or cheese there. I’m falling back into old habits, and I need to slap myself in the face to stop. Metaphorically, of course.

I’m scaling back my diet to all-shakes this week. I went in there today knowing not to expect as big a loss as usual, and I was planning on asking my doctor what she thought about me doing the all-liquid plan for a week (this is the same plan I did my first week on the diet back in late November, just to get the ball rolling). She thought it was a great idea and said she sometimes suggests people in my position try that.

I’m feeling two things here – one, I’m glad that I’ve decided to put my foot down and wipe the slate clean, so to speak. Much like a New Year or Lent affords an opportunity to start anew, I’m using this week to springboard back into progress like some people use a cleanse or juice fast (neither of which I’ve done, by the way). On the other hand, I’m worried that I’m using it as an easy way out; should I have stuck with my regular plan and just dealt with my issues head-on? Is my decision the equivalent of tucking my tail and running? Not to say that an all-liquid diet is an easy fix, though, because it definitely sucks balls. But I’m a bit worried that this might contribute to my trend of “all-or-nothing” thinking. Either I’m cheating left and right or I’m restricting totally and drinking my meals. Hopefully this week will just give me that metaphorical slap I need and I’ll emerge disciplined and motivated on the other side.

I’m sure this might open up some very opinionated comments, but I wanted y’all to at least know where I’m at for the next week and to know that it’s not a decision I came to lightly.

Because I haven’t done a traditional “look at my food” post in awhile, I’ll share a couple of pictures from today. First off, I thought I looked effing cute this morning on my way to my appointment. This picture was taken in the bathroom about 30 minutes before I turned into a huge sobbing mess of a puddle (PS – I HATE crying in front of people; not because I feel weak, but because I CAN’T TALK. It’s so awkward to sit there crying, trying to control yourself, when someone’s watching you, waiting for you to calm down so you can continue talking. Grr.)

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When I went to step on the scale, I took off my (favorite) scarf, and it got stuck on my necklace, breaking the necklace, and pulling some threads in the scarf. I think I got the fibers all back where they needed to be, but it set the tone for the rest of the day. Bollocks.

I had tentative plans to meet up with one of my cousins for lunch (he’s like the brother I never had), but he was busy at work (we’ve rescheduled for next week!) so I went to Mom’s hospital to eat with her. Another awkward anecdote: cafeterias make me feel like I’m back in middle school again. Every cafeteria has a different protocol, and everyone knows it except for me. I never know where to start, who to ask, what to grab, how to pay, and it’s usually wicked crowded which sets me off in a tizzy anyway. My best friend Catherine and I got our lunch from the cafeteria on our first day of middle school, and we were scarred for life – I took my lunch to school every day after that for the next 7 years. So today Mommy held my hand (again, metaphorically), and I got meatloaf and squash for lunch. Don’t hate – I’ve been craving meatloaf lately.

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When I left the hospital, I went to Jewelry Warehouse because I got a $10 off coupon for my birthday month – wahoo!! They didn’t have exactly what I wanted, so I left empty-handed…boo. Hopefully I’ll find it in the next 10 days; I want a simple ring I can wear on my left middle finger all the time as a visual reminder of my dedication to weight loss. I’ve got lots of Mafia wife cocktail rings, but I want something simple and understated. They had really nice sterling silver micro-pave CZ bands that I really wanted, but they don’t make them big enough. The search continues. Sad

All day I’ve been feeling kind of sickly, and super-depressed. I hate to be such a Debbie Downer, but on the way home from downtown Columbia, I listened to “Show Me What I’m Looking For” by Carolina Liar on repeat and just sobbed, only to come home and PTFO for a few hours. The bright spot in my evening was chatting with Rachel, Chandra, and Dori on g-chat like a circa-1997 AOL chat room. Nerd I did eat dinner, but I didn’t take a picture of it…I was feeling too blah, if that’s any excuse.

So wow, this post started out depressing and ended up depressing. The great thing about going to sleep is that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start. Open-mouthed

How do you shake things up when you start getting sloppy in your eating habits? Have you ever done an all-liquid diet? Do you have any visual reminders of your commitment to your health, i.e., jewelry or a tattoo? What’s your favorite “turn it on and sob” song? (I’m also partial to “Let Go” by Frou Frou for that purpose!) Do you use g-chat? Hit me up any time! My email address is lowfatkatherine at gmail dot com

9 comments:

  1. I think a little shake up always helps. Especially when something in the routine is not working. I would say that you go ahead with the liquid diet!

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  2. De-lurking to say I know you're having a rough day but you look fab! That scarf is your colour and the whole outfit looks great.

    As for your question, if I need to shake things up I usually do a cupboard purge. If it's in my cupboards I will eat it. That is a certainty. If it isn't, I won't seek it out, so I'm safe. I just hate to "waste" money.

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  3. How cute do you look in that pic! I love it.

    I think we all go through what you are going through. I usually like to do a bit of detox when I get off track. I cute out all meats,rice etc. You know heavy type foods. They I try to focus on eating more fruits and veggies and drinking lots of water.

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  4. You look wonderfull... I wish I could wear a scarf like that , but I can never seen to figure out the way to put it on.. Im a dork..
    I hope you feel better soon.. I find your blog realy great and it totally motivates me..

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  5. I don't know if I could do an all liquid diet...just don't liquify seafood. My friend had a crazy crvaing for it when she was on a liquid diet for gastric. So gross! seafood was never the same after watching her blend shrimp smoothie. lmao

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  6. @CJ - Thanks! I can already tell a difference. I just needed to slap myself i the face and get a restart.

    @RunDiRun - Thanks for de-lurking!! Gosh, I'm the same way - I hate wasting money and throwing stuff out, but sometimes it's for the best. I recently "hid" by chocolate chips by putting them on the highest shelf and barricading them with nonperishables. I haven't gotten them down once yet! It'll be a lot easier when I have my own kitchen and can control what's on the shelf...I can't snag ritz crackers and peanut butter if they aren't in the house!

    @Randi - Thanks, girl! I need to get back into eating veggies, too. I think after this week is over, I'll be craving some REAL food and hopefully won't want to eat crap anymore. Truth be told, I just had a piece of chocolate, and my throat is KILLING me - my body's defenses are back!!

    @WWWannabe - Thanks for the compliment! This YouTube video about scarf-tying is GREAT: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIHkeNcq2Wk

    I used to say the same thing, that I'd look horrible in scarves, like I was trying to hard, etc., but one day I just went for it and get so many compliments and people always say that same thing ("I wish I could wear them but I'm afraid I'll look stupid"). I say go for it - just throw caution to the wind! It's a great way to cover flaws or just add some fabulosity to any outfit!

    @Nicci - strangely, I haven't had the hunger pangs I'd been having recently...I thought I'd be miserable this week, especially since I don't have a strong appetite suppressant this time around, but I think the liquid diet has taken away all my psychological cravings/boredom. Because I know my meal options are limited, my mind isn't going wild with possibilities of what I could eat and therefore isn't getting all cravey like usual. Does that make any sense? And yeah, since we shared gross ground shrimp stories, I don't think I'll be eating shrimp for awhile - HAHA!

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  7. how are we not gchatting everyday?! we need to get on that. haha, maybe free up twitter a little bit.

    your bathroom pic is adorable. outfit is adorable! you are adorable.

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  8. Hi! I just found you from a series of other blogs and I can't tell you how important your posts are to me right now. I am so guilty of the "only if" syndrome and I need to remember that it's about the journey. Your picture looks amazing btw. When I'm in a funk, sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better is crying my eyes out and letting myself indulge in the sad thinking. It isn't until my brain/emotions process the sadness that I can begin to see that it's ridiculous and pull out of it. Plus, hormones always play a part too. <3

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  9. @100in12 - I think I added you?! I'm trying to move all my blogger correspondence to my lowfatkatherine at gmail address. I'm not as gchat savvy as some, so if we're both on and I don't get you first, hit me up!

    @Megan - You kinda sorta pretty much just made my day. Lately I've been having a lot of cry-fests, and I don't know if it's because I'm getting depressed or because I'm being healthier about it and purging all the pent-up emotion that's usually there. Either way, you're right - it feels so much better afterward! Thank you for commenting - I really do appreciate your kind words! :D

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