I checked in at the doctor today and broke down in tears in front of her for the first time since I started going in November.
I lost 1 lb over the past two weeks. One measly, stupid pound.
Granted, I was wearing (heavy) jeans this time, and on my scale at home, I’ve lost 3lbs during that same timeframe, but enough excuses. I've been resting on my laurels lately, and that really sucks, especially considering my most recent goal. I’ve lost 40lbs on this plan so far, and I’ve been getting bored. I’m motivated by success, but I’ve started taking it for granted. I’ve done OK at my sugar detox, but I’ve still slipped up lately, and thus my addiction isn’t getting any better. I’ve been going to the gym about 3 times per week and taking fitness classes that I used to be too scared to take, but I’ve been drinking more wine lately, adding a serving of pasta here or cheese there. I’m falling back into old habits, and I need to slap myself in the face to stop. Metaphorically, of course.
I’m scaling back my diet to all-shakes this week. I went in there today knowing not to expect as big a loss as usual, and I was planning on asking my doctor what she thought about me doing the all-liquid plan for a week (this is the same plan I did my first week on the diet back in late November, just to get the ball rolling). She thought it was a great idea and said she sometimes suggests people in my position try that.
I’m feeling two things here – one, I’m glad that I’ve decided to put my foot down and wipe the slate clean, so to speak. Much like a New Year or Lent affords an opportunity to start anew, I’m using this week to springboard back into progress like some people use a cleanse or juice fast (neither of which I’ve done, by the way). On the other hand, I’m worried that I’m using it as an easy way out; should I have stuck with my regular plan and just dealt with my issues head-on? Is my decision the equivalent of tucking my tail and running? Not to say that an all-liquid diet is an easy fix, though, because it definitely sucks balls. But I’m a bit worried that this might contribute to my trend of “all-or-nothing” thinking. Either I’m cheating left and right or I’m restricting totally and drinking my meals. Hopefully this week will just give me that metaphorical slap I need and I’ll emerge disciplined and motivated on the other side.
I’m sure this might open up some very opinionated comments, but I wanted y’all to at least know where I’m at for the next week and to know that it’s not a decision I came to lightly.
Because I haven’t done a traditional “look at my food” post in awhile, I’ll share a couple of pictures from today. First off, I thought I looked effing cute this morning on my way to my appointment. This picture was taken in the bathroom about 30 minutes before I turned into a huge sobbing mess of a puddle (PS – I HATE crying in front of people; not because I feel weak, but because I CAN’T TALK. It’s so awkward to sit there crying, trying to control yourself, when someone’s watching you, waiting for you to calm down so you can continue talking. Grr.)
When I went to step on the scale, I took off my (favorite) scarf, and it got stuck on my necklace, breaking the necklace, and pulling some threads in the scarf. I think I got the fibers all back where they needed to be, but it set the tone for the rest of the day. Bollocks.
I had tentative plans to meet up with one of my cousins for lunch (he’s like the brother I never had), but he was busy at work (we’ve rescheduled for next week!) so I went to Mom’s hospital to eat with her. Another awkward anecdote: cafeterias make me feel like I’m back in middle school again. Every cafeteria has a different protocol, and everyone knows it except for me. I never know where to start, who to ask, what to grab, how to pay, and it’s usually wicked crowded which sets me off in a tizzy anyway. My best friend Catherine and I got our lunch from the cafeteria on our first day of middle school, and we were scarred for life – I took my lunch to school every day after that for the next 7 years. So today Mommy held my hand (again, metaphorically), and I got meatloaf and squash for lunch. Don’t hate – I’ve been craving meatloaf lately.
When I left the hospital, I went to Jewelry Warehouse because I got a $10 off coupon for my birthday month – wahoo!! They didn’t have exactly what I wanted, so I left empty-handed…boo. Hopefully I’ll find it in the next 10 days; I want a simple ring I can wear on my left middle finger all the time as a visual reminder of my dedication to weight loss. I’ve got lots of Mafia wife cocktail rings, but I want something simple and understated. They had really nice sterling silver micro-pave CZ bands that I really wanted, but they don’t make them big enough. The search continues.
All day I’ve been feeling kind of sickly, and super-depressed. I hate to be such a Debbie Downer, but on the way home from downtown Columbia, I listened to “Show Me What I’m Looking For” by Carolina Liar on repeat and just sobbed, only to come home and PTFO for a few hours. The bright spot in my evening was chatting with Rachel, Chandra, and Dori on g-chat like a circa-1997 AOL chat room. I did eat dinner, but I didn’t take a picture of it…I was feeling too blah, if that’s any excuse.
So wow, this post started out depressing and ended up depressing. The great thing about going to sleep is that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start.
How do you shake things up when you start getting sloppy in your eating habits? Have you ever done an all-liquid diet? Do you have any visual reminders of your commitment to your health, i.e., jewelry or a tattoo? What’s your favorite “turn it on and sob” song? (I’m also partial to “Let Go” by Frou Frou for that purpose!) Do you use g-chat? Hit me up any time! My email address is lowfatkatherine at gmail dot com