I had this epiphany today (I hate the word “epiphany.” When it’s thrown around too often, the thrower-arounder comes across as insincere. However, I got slapped in the face with realization about something, and that’s the best word I can think of to fit the situation). So, whatevs, I had this thought today wherein I parallel men and chocolate.
I don’t trust men. Sorry to use such a terrible generalization, but I have such bad experiences with men that I question the motives behind their every action (sucks for me that I’m a hard-wired hetero…it’d be so easy to hate men if I were batting for the other team). I’ve come across a few exceptions to the “men suck” rule (if you’re a male who’s reading this and you’re one of those exceptions – you rock, and you have my sincerest of apologies for pigeonholing you), but for the most part, my negative preconceptions are always proven right. I want a fella of my own someday, but I doubt I’ll ever find him because I’m so particular and have such high standards. So instead of opening up my heart and risking getting burned yet again, I shut down and don’t even try.
So how are men like chocolate? If I start talking to a guy, I overanalyze, I obsess, I do all the wrong things (when there’s no man in my life, I laugh at all the things girls do to drive them away; when there is a dude in question, I fall subject to all those bad habits – WTF?). If I have chocolate in the house, I can’t stop thinking about it, I eat it all at once, I do all the wrong things. I can’t trust men or chocolate because I can’t trust myself with either. I turn into this irrational, compulsive, obsessive monster around both of them, and I can’t seem to moderate my behavior!
So, great, I’ve made this huge realization. Now what? How do you go from not having any chocolate/contact with a man to having a healthy relationship with either/both? How do I bring chocolate into my house without wanting to eat it all in one sitting? How do I approach a relationship with a fella without being “that neurotic girl” and letting him consume my thoughts?
Moderation is key! Balance is the answer! Blah blah blah bullshit. It’s going to take FOREVER, and I hate that. I get easily frustrated when I’m not instantly gratified. However, I’m broken inside with regard to both and can’t expect myself to heal overnight. I don’t know what initially “broke me” when it came to sweets; why can’t I police myself? I have no clue. I’m 26 and I’m just now barely starting to show signs of improvement in that area. Dudes, on the other hand…I’ve always been cynical about them, and then everything went to hell a few years ago, essentially confirming all my worst fears. If I ever have a chance of being able to trust again – myself or anything/anyone else – I have to practice little bits at a time. Chocolate isn’t the enemy, and men aren’t the enemy. My inability to trust is the problem, and I haven’t been giving myself good opportunities to practice that.
Instead of not having any chocolate or buying a whole bag, get one piece (even a few!), bring it home, and save it for a specific time. Don’t snarf it quickly on the drive home. Instead, savor it, make it last, and make it mean something. When it comes to guys…[sigh] I’m still kinda lost at how to fix this aspect of myself, but I know I need to follow similar rules as with chocolate. I need to talk to more of them, first off. Completely abstaining from contact with men isn’t helping to convince me they’re not all bad, and when one suddenly pays me attention, I pounce on the poor guy. Secondly, when I do have regular conversations with guys, I need to separate myself from them every so often. I need to stop being a slave to the interactions, to realize that I don’t need to “eat the whole bag at once.” If they’re worth talking to [if the chocolate is worth eating], they’ll still be there to talk to [it’ll still be there to eat] later.
This all boils down to that damned all-or-nothing thinking I’m plagued with. As you can see, it happens in almost every aspect of my life, and it’s going to take awhile to fix.