Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Wanting it NOW

Between Kendra’s  “Can Fat Be Sexy?” post, Mara’s “The Fat = ‘Friend’ Relegation” post, and Rachel’s “Don’t Mess With…Everything I’ve Ever Wanted” post, I’m moved to finally try to put into words what I’ve been thinking lately.

I’ve been putting my life on hold for so long that now that I realize what I want, I want it NOW.  I have no patience.  Like Harry said in When Harry Met Sally,

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Now, I’m not talking about somebody, I’m talking about something.  I’m tired of not having the “things” I deserve (and YES, I do deserve them!); not material things, but confidence, happiness, contentment, success, etc.  Did you notice how harried (ha!) Harry was in that clip?  He was transformed into a crazy man, blinded by the sudden realization of what he wanted, spouting out all these things he was finally sure of.  He had never verbalized it before, but magically all these truths came out of him at once.  That’s how I feel lately. 

I’ve been socially sidelined the past two years, turned into a hermit by grad school, depression, obesity, unemployment, the scars of relationships gone bad, blah blah blah.  You’ve heard this sob story before.  One by one, things have started turning around, and now that I feel my goals are within reach, I want them NOW.  I want potential employers to stop ignoring me, I want men to start noticing me, I want to be more social, I want to have dinner parties at my own house, I want to be successful in a career and feel socially relevant, I want to go shopping and wear smaller sizes, I want to run multiple miles at a time, I want to stop overanalyzing everyone’s perceptions of me and just BE.  I want it all NOW and it frustrates the hell out of me that I can’t have it.

While I shouldn’t care what other people think (and I do think I’m caring less these days), let’s face it – sometimes the opinions of others DO matter.  I can’t be an island, and I don’t want to be anymore.  I need to network like a mofo, need to meet new people, need to stop overthinking, need to try new things.  I don’t want to be the 3rd or 5th or 7th wheel, the fat friend, the outcast.  I want to be just like everyone else, NOW, because finally I feel like I am.

The anxiety I was referring to earlier comes from this cognitive dissonance due to where I am versus where I want to be.  I’m so close I can feel it, but I’m still being held back by conditions that are out of my control.  I waffle between being a Type A and Type B personality, and right now, my dial is set on GET ‘ER DONE.

So yes, I can only control my actions, I can’t compare myself to everyone else’s standards, and I can only work on improving myself.  I got that, I get that, I’m doing it.  I just realize now that I’ve got a life to live, I need to make up for lost time, and I want that to all begin NOW.